(Washington, D.C., Thursday) – The United States of America unconditionally surrendered to the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea here today.
“They hit us in the sector that hurt us most, the entertainment industry,” said President Barack Obama in announcing his executive directive of capitulation.
The surrender came in response to a cyberattack on Sony Pictures. The attack was triggered by the planned Dec. 25 release of The Interview, a comedy centered on a CIA-sponsored assassination of Kim Jong-un, DPRK supreme leader. The hackers, calling themselves Guardians of Peace, took terabytes of data, including unreleased motion pictures, personal information about actors and Sony executive e-mail messages.
After the Guardians widened their threats to include anyone attending a showing of The Interview, theater chains quickly bailed. Sony canceled release of the film and expunged all references to it from the company website.
Experts expressed doubts that the Guardians are based in North Korea, which they said has neither the resources nor the expertise to execute the Sony hack.
“We’re not taking any chances that more attacks might cause further embarrassment for actors, actresses and movie moguls, not to mention loss of revenues and danger to film-loving Americans,” the President said.
A quick poll showed most Americans had mixed feelings about the surrender. While a solid 63 percent of those polled agreed that the United States needs a new government capable of accomplishing goals in a timely fashion, 42 percent were uncertain if turning over the reins to North Korea was the right direction to take.