What shocking developments will rock our sensibilities in Game of Thrones season six?
Well, as long as you asked …
Just the other night, I was finally able to open a small wormhole to April 17, 2016. The wormhole was not big enough to crawl through, mind you, but big enough to take a peek. You would think I would have taken this opportunity to get some winning lottery numbers, right?
Like any die-hard GoT fan would have done, I set my sites on HBO Sunday nights. Here are some of the mind-blowing things I saw in the first episode of the season to come.
Everyone was right! Jon has been resurrected!
As his last drop of blood was about to drain into the snow, Jon warged into Ghost, just as fans had predicted. The showrunners waste no time in confirming this miracle.
As the animated opening credits zoomed to The Wall, I clearly saw Ghost perched on the tower, waving.
How did I that know that Jon was inside? Ghost was standing on his hind legs and wearing that handsome, black, Genuine Yakskin cape Jon so stylishly sported as Night’s Watch Lord Commander.
The unanswered question then became: With his original body lifeless, will Jon be a permanent resident of Ghost’s mind?
Enter Melisandre, who previously showed a cougar’s interest in Jon’s body and is believed to have the power to raise the dead. Mel finally does something useful and conjures up a cure for the physical side of the problem. Jon is reunited with his rewarmed body, leaving no ill side-effects except an insatiable craving for raw venison.
Jon is more than a little miffed at the Night’s Watch for killing him. The watchmen are more than a little surprised that Jon is back. Recognizing that they are all really on the same side as well as the futility of re-killing a man who won’t stay dead, Jon and his merry men reconcile during an evening of heavy drinking.
Having served her purpose, Mel is set on fire and tossed off The Wall, in a desperate attempt to thaw some of the White Walkers massing below. That hair-brained plan came from Alliser Thorne, who still hasn’t quite grasped the scope of the White Walker threat.
Somewhere, Shireen is smiling.
In another less-than-surprising development, Cersei did not learn a thing from her Naked Walk of Shame among her adoring subjects. Emboldened by the gigantic, armored protector fabricated by the Red Keep’s resident mad scientist, Qyburn, she is a defiant no-show for her trial on charges of incest, perjury and general no-goodness.
Cersei proves no match for the ever-wily High Sparrow, who arranges a blind date for the gargantuan tin man with his equally imposing dungeon-keeping nun. The pair immediately hit it off.
Modesty forbids that I describe their graphically depicted lovemaking scene. The relationship consummated, they run away together. Cersei is left defenseless, and the High Sparrow is taking applications for a new jailer.
With a brief, fly-by charbroiling of a dozen or so unlucky Dothraki, Drogon does his part to reinstate Dany as the rightful Khaleesi. By the time Jorah and Daario arrive on their rescue mission, she has things well in hand.
Dany makes amends for neglecting the tribesmen by taking them to a large chunk of choice real estate just outside the Meereen city limits and offering them perpetual rights to the land to use as a campground, rodeos or any other purpose which may suit them.
The only condition attached to the offer is that the Dothraki horsemen must police the city. Their first duty, find and kill all the old masters and Sons of the Harpy. The Dothraki are invited to loot any of the Meereen homes they invade and keep whatever booty they find.
Once the city has been cleared, the Dothraki will keep the natives in line via regular mounted patrols. A no-knock policy will remain in effect for any suspected pockets of resistance.
Dany agrees to wed Jorah because, let’s face it, the man simply will not go away as ordered. Daario is crushed, but he remains with the entourage, confident that the April-November age difference in a Viagraless world will provide a continuing role for him to play in the not-too-distant future.
Next time, in the thrilling conclusion of Game of Thrones Future Revealed, we’ll see what’s going on with Jaime Lannister, Arya Stark, Sansa Stark, Stannis Baratheon, Brienne of Tarth, Tyrion Lannister and the Iron Throne.