Court Ruling Sweet for Brady Bunch

NEW YORK — Fallout continues from a federal judge’s decision to put Patriots quarterback Tom Brady back in the game in the wake of “Deflategate.”

ballsThe ruling by U.S. District Court Judge Richard M. Berman dismissed the four-game suspension meted out by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to punish Brady for allegedly plotting to use underinflated footballs during the first half of the AFC championship game in January. Brady is a “bonafide American icon,” the judge noted in the decision, and as such is a “citizen above suspicion.”

“Tom must never, ever be subjected to such unjust humiliation again,” Berman wrote. “It’s just plain un-American.”

Berman faulted the investigative process performed under Goodell’s direction. To make amends for his transgression, Goodell will be required to serve as Brady’s manservant for the first four games of the regular NFL season. Goodell, the judge additionally ruled, must personally pull a chariot carrying Brady onto the field at the start of each game for the entire season.

Goodell has reportedly abandoned plans to pursue an investigation of underinflated party dolls allegedly found in the Patriots locker room after their last game. He plans, instead, to search for his manhood — and his teeth.

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