Tornado Adds Real Twist to Car Market

Sales of the Great Big Motors Corporation’s Tornado have skyrocketed since the world’s first production monster truck began rolling off the GBMC Beijing assembly line in early January.

“The popularity of the Tornado has exceeded our wildest expectations,” announced a beaming Gus Guzzler, GBMC founder and CEO. “We can’t make them fast enough to keep our dealers in stock.”

The car industry had scoffed when GBMC was founded less than a year ago, but it’s paying attention now. When falling gas prices sparked a renewed interest in larger vehicles, established car manufacturers had cautiously responded with an incremental increase in the average size of its models.

Guzzler, who had made billions in the lucrative nightcrawler rental market, saw an opportunity and pounced on it like a deranged banker on a real estate derivative. GBMC and its “Bigger is Better” battle cry were born.

GBMC_Tornado

Like its namesake, the Tornado is an environmental disaster. Its fuel efficiency is measured in gallons per mile. GBMC touts the official EPA rate at 1.5 gpm, although it cautions that “your gallonage may vary.” Proud Tornado owner Facebook posts put the current, unsubstantiated record at 3 gpm “with only a little engine revving.”

GBMC balances its fleet to meet federal fuel efficiency requirements with its GoCart model. That diminutive, single-seat vehicle, powered by a .3-liter engine, has a smaller footprint than a Tornado spare tire.

Every Tornado comes with a complimentary GC strapped to its bed. The GC is not sold separately.

In-your-face, anti-environmental Tornado standard equipment includes an acceleration-triggered smoke injector built into the tailpipe. The thick, oily black plumes belched by the Tornado when the injector kicks in adds all the dramatic flair of a Reavers raider in hot pursuit of a Series 3 Firefly at atmospheric altitudes..

“Owners are extremely pleased with this feature,” Guzzler reported.

Among Tornado exterior options are light bars, chrome running boards and flare launchers. Vertically challenged buyers might want to consider an available escalator as an aid to reaching the driver’s seat. If the standard Royal Blue finish is not appealing, the Tornado can be special-ordered in camo.

Guzzler noted that owners have shown amazing creativity in customizing their Tornadoes. He added that GBMC has proven it can match virtually any request made.

“We’ve been more than ready to add things, including legally questionable ones, to make our customers happy,” Guzzler declared.

The Tornado interior is plushly appointed. Heated leather seats are derived from the soft skins of baby animals, including several endangered species. An eight-speaker Bose sound system comes complete with a country-western and heavy metal mp3 library.

Cigarette lighters and ashtrays are installed on driver and passenger doors. The entire cockpit is trimmed in rare Brazilwood.

Giddy with the success of the Tornado, GBMC has big plans for even bigger models.

“By the second quarter of next year, we will launch our new top-of-the-line Hurricane,” Guzzler promised. “Watch for additional announcements. The Hurricane is going to blow you away.”

Court Ruling Sweet for Brady Bunch

NEW YORK — Fallout continues from a federal judge’s decision to put Patriots quarterback Tom Brady back in the game in the wake of “Deflategate.”

ballsThe ruling by U.S. District Court Judge Richard M. Berman dismissed the four-game suspension meted out by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to punish Brady for allegedly plotting to use underinflated footballs during the first half of the AFC championship game in January. Brady is a “bonafide American icon,” the judge noted in the decision, and as such is a “citizen above suspicion.”

“Tom must never, ever be subjected to such unjust humiliation again,” Berman wrote. “It’s just plain un-American.”

Berman faulted the investigative process performed under Goodell’s direction. To make amends for his transgression, Goodell will be required to serve as Brady’s manservant for the first four games of the regular NFL season. Goodell, the judge additionally ruled, must personally pull a chariot carrying Brady onto the field at the start of each game for the entire season.

Goodell has reportedly abandoned plans to pursue an investigation of underinflated party dolls allegedly found in the Patriots locker room after their last game. He plans, instead, to search for his manhood — and his teeth.

Mammoth Mom Wows World

babymammothDelivery room personnel trumpeted their shock early this week when an Oregon woman gave birth to a quadruple set of hairy hybrids in a Seattle, Washington hospital.

Monica Mammoth, Klamath Falls, has apparently become the first mother of a genetically engineered cross between the prehistoric wooly mammoth and Homo sapiens. Delivered by cesarean section shortly after 2 a.m. in Finnish Medical Center, the newborn — three males and a female — were reported to be healthy and nearly ready to begin foraging this afternoon.

“It’s genetically impossible,” declared Dr. Morokat Sirindhorn, the OB-GYN who made the delivery. “Damn it, I’m a doctor, not a veterinarian.”

Through the glass of the hospital nursery, four tiny trunks waved in Sirindhorn’s direction, in seeming mock salute of his medical consternation.

The hospital administration had no official comment on the births, other than to confirm the condition of the infants. Unofficially, hospital staff have speculated that the humanoid calves may be the result of a mix-up at an international biological technology facility in Thailand.

According to an inside hospital source, Mammoth’s pregnancy had been accomplished through the use of Follistim and in vitro fertilization. Follistim is a drug which stimulates human egg production through the use of genetically-engineered hamster cells. The Thai lab was commissioned to process frozen mammoth sperm recovered earlier this year by scientists in Siberia in a continuing, though inexplicable, effort to retro-breed the extinct pachyderm.

Data bases accidentally merged in a computer transfer coupled with understandable name confusion sent the revitalized wooly mammoth sperm to Seattle instead of its intended destination, the Irkutsk Scientific Centre of the Siberian Branch of the Russian Academy of Science. Consequently, the sperm of a 30,000-year-old wooly mammoth bull was added to the petri dish containing Mammoth’s ova in Finnish Medical Center. After 18 hours of incubation, four embryos were transferred to Mammoth.

Mammoth, 38, thereafter refused to allow physicians to perform any of the standard procedures normally employed to evaluate the status of her pregnancy, including amniocentesis and ultrasound readings. She and her husband, Merlin, 43, had been attempting to have children for 13 years. She had told friends and relatives that she planned to carry this pregnancy through to term under any circumstances and that she wanted “to be surprised” when the babies were delivered.

The Mammoths had some indications, however, that their expected bundles of joy might be out of the ordinary. Mrs. Mammoth reportedly experienced an inordinate craving for fruits, leafy vegetables and tubers during the course of her 22-month pregnancy. She had also registered an unusually high weight gain, packing on more than 200 pounds.”

Adapted from Truth Is An Amusing Concept
Available in paperback and electronic formats on Amazon

Republican Factions Battle for President

(Washington, D.C., Wednesday) – Savage in-fighting broke out here this week among Republican members of Congress who are demanding a new President.

The skirmishing followed the address delivered March 3 by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to a joint session of Congress. The speech left GOP leaders oohing and ahing over Netanyahu’s projection of strong leadership as he made his case against a nuclear deal with Iran. Members, however, quickly went to war over just who should step in to replace Barack Obama.

Mainstream Republicans, leaning ever-so-slightly left on the right edge of the political spectrum, led by House Speaker John Boehner, want to give the White House keys to Netanyahu. Those affiliated with the more extreme Tea Party, camping out just to the right edge of the spectrum in an area popularly known as Crazytown, are pushing for Russian President Vladimir Putin.

“The prime minister is the real deal,” said Boehner, who blind-sided the White House by orchestrating the Congressional address. “He is a duly-elected head of state who puts the interest of his people first and gets the job done – unlike our current President, who sees himself as a king and pushes his own agenda by royal decree.”

Republican and Tea Party enthusiast U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, Texas, is leading the “Puttin’ in the Putin” campaign.

“Putin is a decisive leader,” Cruz said, echoing remarks he made after a 2014 poll showed Tea Party members would vote for Putin over Obama. “Putin takes action without worrying about reactions from anyone else. That’s leadership. Obama is a thinker. Thinking, I can tell you from personal experience, has never accomplished anything.”

Outside the Congressional chambers, other Tea Party regulars added their support for Putin.

“Our Founding Fathers labored tirelessly to install a strong Russian leader as President of the United States of America,” observed Michele Bachmann, former Congresswoman from Minnesota and House Tea Party Caucus chair. “Our Constitution includes explicit provisions for that very thing.”

Sarah Palin, former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate took a different slant on Putin as U.S. President.

“This is one Mama Bear who wouldn’t mind cuddling with a big, strong Russian Bear in the Oval Bedroom,” Palin tweeted. “Come to Mama.”

Putin professed extreme disinterest in the prospect of becoming leader of the free world. Although he was flattered, he said, he preferred his current position of absolute power to one in which he might need to master the fine art of compromise.

“That does not mean, if I should someday change my mind,” Putin added, “that I could not simply move into the White House and take it – without fear of repercussions.”

Netanyahu, facing an uphill re-election fight back home, took a wait-and-see position.

“We’ve had a long and fruitful relationship with the United States,” Netanyahu said, “and I would not want to place that relationship in jeopardy by rejecting an opportunity to become the next American President. I would definitely give it respectful consideration.”

President Obama said that he would prefer to finish his second term and let his successor be determined in the 2016 presidential election. If forced to make a choice, he said, he would not go with Putin.

“We’ve had a long and fruitful relationship with Israel,” Obama said, “and I would not want to place that relationship in jeopardy by rejecting Prime Minister Netanyahu as our next President. I would definitely give it respectful consideration.”

Fox News Personality Carlson Suspended for Getting Too Real

FutureNews

(New York, Friday) – The anchor of Fox News Channel’s The Real Story with Gretchen Carlson, received a six-month suspension here today after it was revealed that she has, on apparently more than one occasion, told the truth.

“We did not make this decision lightly,” said Roger Ailes, Fox News chairman and CEO, in announcing the suspension. “Gretchen has long been a valued member of the Fox News family, but recent revelations have clearly indicated she is guilty of lapses in judgment which cannot go unaddressed.”

Carlson, who joined Fox in 2005 and began anchoring Real Story 18 months later, committed her first Fox faux pas early in 2016 as a guest on Fox’s The O’Reilly Factor, when she reportedly told host Bill O’Reilly that “President Obama is a good man facing impossible odds against well-funded conservative extremists.” She was also quoted as saying that she does not believe that the President was actually born in Kenya; nor is he a secret Muslim.

According to Fox insiders, those comments were edited out of the interview before the program was broadcast. Carlson was sternly rebuked by Fox News executives, a reliable source said, and warned to never again let her “intellectual side show.”

No stranger to smarts, Carlson was valedictorian of her graduating high school class in 1984 and earned a degree in sociology from Stanford University in 1990. En route to her degree, she studied at Oxford University in England and managed a 1989 Miss America pageant win, which included a virtuoso violin performance. As Real Story host, apparently pandering to viewers distrustful of the academically elite, Carlson at times professed to check a dictionary for a definitions of words in the news, including “ignoramus.”

Carlson appeared to stay on the straight and narrow Fox News trail thereafter, wasting no opportunities to question the leadership, intentions or character of the President and his administration. Somewhere along the way, however, viewers noticed that Carlson had lost the “crazy eyes” look she had worn since her childhood days under the influence of Michelle Bachmann, one of her nannies.

The impetus behind the suspension came this week during an unguarded moment while visiting friends and relatives back in her home state of Minnesota. Unaware that one of her “friends” was recording the conversation on his camera phone, Carlson confessed that she has been in love for many years with Daily Show host and Fox News nemesis, Jon Stewart, and would happily bear his children. The video was posted to YouTube, quickly went viral, and Carlson was, just as quickly, suspended.

“Gretchen is in undisputed violation of the immorality clause of her Fox News contract,” Ailes said. “Her situation is under legal review pending a final decision on her suspension and future with our organization.”

The contract clause cited by Ailes states, in part, that “any Fox News personality who is involved in any activity or makes any statement indicating support, whether overt or innate, for any liberal cause or figure will be subject to immediate termination.”

Koch Brothers Want to Buy U.S. Government

(Arlington, Virginia, Friday) – The Koch Brothers today dropped all pretext of controlling the nation from the shadows by making an open offer for an outright purchase of the federal government.

“We’re done pussyfooting around, hiding behind elections,” noted Charles Koch, in announcing the purchase offer here at Freedom Partners, headquarters for the Koch web of paid political influence. “Everyone knows what we’re all about, no need to pretend anymore.”

The offer did not include a price, but David Koch said that he does not expect money to be a limiting issue in the purchase. Freedom Partners had announced a 2016 election budget of $889 million at its winter meeting in Washington, D.C.

“Believe you me, that’s just a tiny fraction of our financial reserves,” Charles Koch said. “We expect recoup our investment very quickly by trimming waste and streamlining the government for maximum fiscal responsibility.”

Once in charge, the Kochs are expected to immediately shutter the Department Labor, and the Department of Health and Human Services, slicing more than $1 billion in annual federal spending. Later targets will include Interior, Education, and Housing and Urban Development departments.

Additional details included in the offer include rewriting the U.S. Constitution, eliminating elections, defaulting on the national debt and replacing the bald eagle with Scrooge McDuck as the national bird.

Reaction to the offer on Capitol Hill was enthusiastic among the new Congressional Republican-controlled majority, many of whom are indentured to the Kochs through campaign contributions. Bills approving the sale were quickly authored in both chambers, setting the purchase price at $1.

President Barack Obama vowed to veto the measure, observing that the Kochs’ plans appeared to be somewhat contradictory to democratic principles.

U.S. Offers New Identities To Nations Combating ISIL

(Washington, D.C, Monday) – Nations who join the coalition to end ISIL (also known as ISIS) will have the option to simply “disappear” when the fighting ends, in an offer extended here today by President Barack Obama.

“We understand that many Middle Eastern countries are somewhat timid about fully committing to this anti-terrorism effort for fear of retribution from Islamic extremists,” the President said, in making the announcement from the Oval Office. “Well, we have the solution to that problem – new post-war identities.”

Every coalition member will have the option to become another nation, once the final terrorist elements have been defeated. They will be given, among other things, plausible background histories and a wad of American cash to start their new national treasuries, Obama elaborated. Each can choose a new name, a new location – even a new appearance.

“Square, round, triangular – they can be any shape they would like to be,” Obama said. “On the outside chance that even the tiniest remnant of the enemy survives our cooperative onslaught, you will never be found.

“We have previously redrawn national boundaries in this part of the world. It’s not a big deal.”