Donald, the Teenage Toddler

Here’s a little ditty to help cheer you through the holidays. You all know the melody.

trumpxmas

We’ve had Andrew and Millard and Chester and Theo
Richard and Gerald and Ronald and Geo
But will you recall
The worst President of them all?

Donald, the Teenage Toddler
Had some very tiny hands
And if you ever saw them
You would scoff at his demands

All of the Teenage Toddlers
Laughed at him and called him names
They never let poor Donald
Spout his many brainless claims

Then one rigged election day
Voters seemed to say
“Donald, though your hair’s a fright
Won’t you march us to the right?”

Now teenage toddlers love him
And they tweet it out with glee
“Donald, the Teenage Toddler,
You have set our hate so free.”

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Taming the Second Amendment

Amending the U.S. Constitution is an intentionally difficult process. The probability of repealing the Second Amendment, especially in the current political climate, is on a par with a Trump supporter having a double-digit IQ.

Does that mean that frequent mass shootings are a permanent part of American culture? Maybe not. Let’s look at another possibility.

The year is 2020, a year intent on earning its name through cultural acuity. A hypothetical case of illegal gun possession, call it Joe Derringer vs. The State of New Jersey, winds its way from the lower courts and appeals its way to the U.S. Supreme Court. Joe maintains that his Second Amendment right to “keep and bear arms” has been violated.

Joe went to court after police found 357 handguns and rifles in his Hoboken efficiency apartment, along with 23 cats, which were the original reason the cops came to his door. Joe had no required permit to carry or firearms purchaser identification card for any of the firearms he had amassed.

Joe is a proactive kind of guy. He does have a card certifying that he is a bona fide member of the Manly Men Militia. To Joe’s way of thinking, that membership underwrites his right to own his firearms collection and supersedes all New Jersey laws to the contrary.

militiaman

 

The problem for Joe is that the SCOTUS which gets this case is not the court of Citizens United. The majority of justices now on the bench are no longer the lapdogs of business. They are neither fond of, nor intimidated by, either the gun industry or the National Rifle Association.

These justices have a keen interest in (gasp) justice. They hear the cries for gun control, not as coming from a vocal minority, but from a rapidly growing number of people whose loved ones have been murdered by individuals who should never have been allowed to touch, let alone, own a firearm.

The court decides to take yet another look at the Second Amendment and determine just what the writers were thinking when they penned this nebulously worded paragraph. Could conditions possibly have changed since 1791?

At the time the Bill of Rights was drafted, Colonists-turned-Americans were understandably skittish. Government and oppression were all too often synonymous. The distinction between citizen soldiers and regular army was blurred.

Granting the people the right to keep guns in their households seemed like a good idea. They could defend themselves and their fledgling nation from outsides threats. They could also, should this new democracy take a turn for the worse, defend themselves from their own government.

Things have a way of changing in more than two centuries. So, SCOTUS takes another hard, long, debate-filled look at the Second Amendment, and guess what? Sanity, at long last, prevails.

In a more than 200-page decision, the court determines that a “well-regulated militia” is as extinct as the Dodo, and that the right to keep a loaded musket by the bedside does not equal the right to amass a personal arsenal. The court further rules that gun ownership must be strictly regulated.

Details are left to the states. However, all laws enacted, the court’s decision mandates, must include certain provisions.

An applicant must show a clear need for gun ownership, as well as undergo a criminal background check, psychological assessment and professional training before being granted a permit. Those who become gun owners will have absolute responsibility for ensuring the security of their weapons, subject to periodic, unannounced inspection.

Failing to comply with any of these stipulations must carry severe fines and mandatory jail sentences. Any gun owner whose weapon is used in a criminal act must be subject to the same charges as the person actually committing the crime.

Noting that many current gun owners might be unable or unwilling to meet the new qualification requirements, the court rules that they may retain their gun collections but only on the condition that all firearms are rendered permanently inoperable. Gun owners will thus remain free to display their disabled weapons and compare whose is bigger as often as they like.

The high court decision further stipulates that gun retailers must, if requested, buy  back their customers’ ammunition supplies. The court wryly notes that owners will also the option of turning their bullets into “fashionable jewelry.”

A year after the ruling, mass shootings in America are so rare they actually become news again. Who saw that coming?

They Shall Not Pass

Canada will not passively wait to be invaded by a horde of American refugees seeking to escape a Donald Trump Presidency.

After Google inquiries about moving from the United States to Canada spiked to nearly 1,500 percent above average at midnight on Super Tuesday, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau called for an immediate emergency joint address of Parliament.

The address ran a mere 15 minutes before all senators and members had reached unanimous agreement. Work would begin immediately on a colossal wall protecting Canada from illegal U.S. immigrants.

The wall will go up simultaneously along the nearly 4,000 miles of main Canadian-U.S. border and the more than 1,500 additional miles of border with Alaska. Plans call for the wall to be constructed entirely of solid Canadian ice and tower 700 feet above the rustic Canadian landscape.

southofthewall
The new wall between Canada and the United States will look very Game of Thronesish

 

The wall will replace the half-dozen “Keep Out” signs the United States had strategically placed along the border, signs which had held law-abiding Canadian would-be emigrants at bay for more than two centuries. A Royal Canadian Mounted Police Nights Watch Division will be created to patrol the wall.

Trudeau said that the plan is not impossible, noting that the Great Wall of China stretches for nearly the same number of miles. That building  process took almost 300 years, but Trudeau set a 30-day deadline for completion of the Canada Wall.

“Summer is coming,” the Prime Minister warned.

Trudeau assured Canadians concerned about the cost of the project that Canada will not pay a dime.

“We did not create this problem,” he said. “We will make Trump pay for the wall.”

Republican Factions Battle for President

(Washington, D.C., Wednesday) – Savage in-fighting broke out here this week among Republican members of Congress who are demanding a new President.

The skirmishing followed the address delivered March 3 by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to a joint session of Congress. The speech left GOP leaders oohing and ahing over Netanyahu’s projection of strong leadership as he made his case against a nuclear deal with Iran. Members, however, quickly went to war over just who should step in to replace Barack Obama.

Mainstream Republicans, leaning ever-so-slightly left on the right edge of the political spectrum, led by House Speaker John Boehner, want to give the White House keys to Netanyahu. Those affiliated with the more extreme Tea Party, camping out just to the right edge of the spectrum in an area popularly known as Crazytown, are pushing for Russian President Vladimir Putin.

“The prime minister is the real deal,” said Boehner, who blind-sided the White House by orchestrating the Congressional address. “He is a duly-elected head of state who puts the interest of his people first and gets the job done – unlike our current President, who sees himself as a king and pushes his own agenda by royal decree.”

Republican and Tea Party enthusiast U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, Texas, is leading the “Puttin’ in the Putin” campaign.

“Putin is a decisive leader,” Cruz said, echoing remarks he made after a 2014 poll showed Tea Party members would vote for Putin over Obama. “Putin takes action without worrying about reactions from anyone else. That’s leadership. Obama is a thinker. Thinking, I can tell you from personal experience, has never accomplished anything.”

Outside the Congressional chambers, other Tea Party regulars added their support for Putin.

“Our Founding Fathers labored tirelessly to install a strong Russian leader as President of the United States of America,” observed Michele Bachmann, former Congresswoman from Minnesota and House Tea Party Caucus chair. “Our Constitution includes explicit provisions for that very thing.”

Sarah Palin, former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate took a different slant on Putin as U.S. President.

“This is one Mama Bear who wouldn’t mind cuddling with a big, strong Russian Bear in the Oval Bedroom,” Palin tweeted. “Come to Mama.”

Putin professed extreme disinterest in the prospect of becoming leader of the free world. Although he was flattered, he said, he preferred his current position of absolute power to one in which he might need to master the fine art of compromise.

“That does not mean, if I should someday change my mind,” Putin added, “that I could not simply move into the White House and take it – without fear of repercussions.”

Netanyahu, facing an uphill re-election fight back home, took a wait-and-see position.

“We’ve had a long and fruitful relationship with the United States,” Netanyahu said, “and I would not want to place that relationship in jeopardy by rejecting an opportunity to become the next American President. I would definitely give it respectful consideration.”

President Obama said that he would prefer to finish his second term and let his successor be determined in the 2016 presidential election. If forced to make a choice, he said, he would not go with Putin.

“We’ve had a long and fruitful relationship with Israel,” Obama said, “and I would not want to place that relationship in jeopardy by rejecting Prime Minister Netanyahu as our next President. I would definitely give it respectful consideration.”

‘Liar, Liar Law’ Signed

(Washington, D.C., April 1, 2021) – A collective sigh of relief could be heard from politicians throughout the nation today as President Jesse Ventura signed into the law the controversial political perjury act.

The legislation is officially titled the “Politician Perjury Protection Act of 2021,” but it is more popularly known as the “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire Law.”

The subject of lengthy mock debate by House and Senate members, the bill grants any duly elected public official in the United States full immunity from charges of perjury, obstruction of justice or contempt of court arising from testimony taken under oath while actively serving in office.

Impetus for the measure began more than 20 years ago in the wake of President Bill Clinton’s impeachment investigation and trial, which cost American taxpayers an estimated $37,478,017.13 and ended in the acquittal that most knowledgeable observers had predicted from the start of the investigation.

“With this bill, we ensure that the American people will never again be victimized by such a needless waste of time and resources,” Ventura noted, with pen poised. “Before I sign, I want to state, for the record, that I have never lied while serving in public office; but I have great sympathy for those who have.”

Ventura’s quip drew brief, uneasy titters from the representatives, senators and other integrity-impaired dignitaries gathered in the Oval Office to witness the signing.

“This bill recognizes what the American public has long known,” observed Sen. B. S. Balderdash (R-Ill.), “that today’s elected official, in order to effectively perform his or her duties, must, by necessity, at times skirt the absolute truth.”

The bill extends immunity to any non-elected officials serving under publicly elected officeholders. That, however, is where the line was drawn. Killed in committee were amendments which proposed similar protection for attorneys, judges and used car salesmen.

“American society, without doubt, holds many professional liars outside the political arena,” said Nevada Reno, U.S. attorney general, “but we cannot allow legislation to make a mockery of our justice system, which does a fine job on its own; and Lord knows, car salesmen are already tough enough to prosecute.”

Taken from “FutureNews”
Truth Is An Amusing Concept

By Richard E. Berg

Koch Brothers Want to Buy U.S. Government

(Arlington, Virginia, Friday) – The Koch Brothers today dropped all pretext of controlling the nation from the shadows by making an open offer for an outright purchase of the federal government.

“We’re done pussyfooting around, hiding behind elections,” noted Charles Koch, in announcing the purchase offer here at Freedom Partners, headquarters for the Koch web of paid political influence. “Everyone knows what we’re all about, no need to pretend anymore.”

The offer did not include a price, but David Koch said that he does not expect money to be a limiting issue in the purchase. Freedom Partners had announced a 2016 election budget of $889 million at its winter meeting in Washington, D.C.

“Believe you me, that’s just a tiny fraction of our financial reserves,” Charles Koch said. “We expect recoup our investment very quickly by trimming waste and streamlining the government for maximum fiscal responsibility.”

Once in charge, the Kochs are expected to immediately shutter the Department Labor, and the Department of Health and Human Services, slicing more than $1 billion in annual federal spending. Later targets will include Interior, Education, and Housing and Urban Development departments.

Additional details included in the offer include rewriting the U.S. Constitution, eliminating elections, defaulting on the national debt and replacing the bald eagle with Scrooge McDuck as the national bird.

Reaction to the offer on Capitol Hill was enthusiastic among the new Congressional Republican-controlled majority, many of whom are indentured to the Kochs through campaign contributions. Bills approving the sale were quickly authored in both chambers, setting the purchase price at $1.

President Barack Obama vowed to veto the measure, observing that the Kochs’ plans appeared to be somewhat contradictory to democratic principles.

Almighty Announces Political Cleansing

 

(Washington, D.C., Tuesday) – A complete purging of the American political system was announced here today in a thundering message from The Lord God Almighty, Ruler of Heaven and Earth.

The cleansing will take place on Jan. 2, 2015, God’s 85-decibel message warned from the skies across the nation. The timing is, not coincidentally, keyed to the scheduled Jan. 3 start of the 114th Congress, which God proclaimed in His Message to be “an Abomination onto Myself which shalt not stand.”

“Too long have I countenanced the evil deeds of those to profess to act in My Name, yet whose actions contain not the smallest mustard seeds of Goodness,” God spake. “Tremble, all ye who lie with Money to usurp the leadership of Humanity, only to oppress My Children most vilely, for your Day of Reckoning is upon you.”

The corker God said, for His Decision to take action came when Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt, newly elected Colorado State Senator and long-time right-wing hatemonger through his “Pray in Jesus’ Name Project,” stated he believes that President Barack Obama is possessed by a demon.

God noted that never, in His Entire Infinite and Eternal Existence, has He permitted employment of demonic possession under any circumstances. He added that Klingenschmitt went way out of bounds when he began invoking the Name of God’s Only Son in his rants.

“It vexeth me sorely that this lower-than-whale-manure mortal should cast doubt upon my Good and Faithful Servant, whom I hath placed in the Oval Office to do Good Works;” God declared. “Dr. Chaps hath pusheth me into Full Smite Mode.”

God, whose best known Act of Divine Retribution was The Great Flood of 3000 B.C., did not state precisely how he plans to rid the nation of its political nogoodniks on Jan. 2, leaving the door open to rampant speculation among cable news pundits. The most popular theory is that those in the Holy Crosshairs will experience an “Anti-Rapture” in which their souls will be transported directly to Hell and their bodies will disappear from the face of the earth.

God also did not specify whether those being targeted have the option to repent before what He has nicknamed “Operation Big Flush” commences. The consensus is that the long ticking redemption timer finally ran out with the Nov. 4 midterm election results.