President Spanky

D.C. rumors:

As Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson once called Donald Trump a “F**king Moron”. Following a 60 Minutes interview with porn star Stormy Daniels on March 25, Trump is being called (behind his back and affectionately, I assume) “Spanky”.

Putting these two nicknames together, I felt a holiday song parody was in order.

Hence …

Spanky, the Moron
Was a nasty, dumbass soul
With a hollow head
And a face to dread and
A heart made out of coal

Spanky, the Moron
Is a horror tale they say
He was made of dough
But right-wingers know
How he came to life one day

There must have been dark magic
In his presidential run
For when they tallied up the votes
It appeared that he had won

Spanky, the Moron
Was as dirty as could be
Piling lie on lie
Such a crooked guy
He’s bad new for you and me

Spanky, the Moron
Knew the probe was closing fast
So he pointed here
And he pointed there
The distractions couldn’t last

Down to the Congress
Seeking funding for his wall
But they told him “no”
Just like Mexico
There was no end to his gall

They chased him down the streets of town
His leadership a flop
And he always claimed a witch hunt ‘til
Bob Mueller hollered “Stop!”

Spanky, the Moron
Was about to go way
As he waved goodbye he said,
“Don’t you cry.”
I will file for a stay

Trumpity, Trump, Trump
Trumpity, Trump, Trump
Look at Spanky go

Trumpity, Trump, Trump
Trumpity, Trump, Trump
Looking for his next show

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Society Adds New Meaning to ‘Trump’

It’s official. The National Synonym Society today approved “trump” as a new word for “dumb.”

“This is a well-earned honor,” said Sebastian T. Wordsworth, NSS president. “Never in the long history of the NSS has an alternate meaning for an existing word been so well documented by multiple media.”

Wordsworth added that the new meaning is, also for the first time, attributable to the acts of a single individual.

“That individual, is of course, Donald J. Trump, whose elevation to President of the United States of America and whose unfiltered access to Twitter have showcased his trumpness to the world daily,” Wordsworth elaborated.

dumbtrump

Trump had a long, honorable, pre-Donald J. history. As a noun, it traces its origins back to games in which certain playing cards were designated as trump and ranked above other cards in the deck.

Mutating into a verb, trump became the act of beating cards of other suits. This was eventually more broadly defined as making a winning move in a competitive situation.

Trump’s positive past, however, has come to screeching halt with its coronation as an adjective.

“It is now perfectly acceptable to substitute trump for dumb in any sentence not referring to speechlessness,” Wordsworth said. “By extension, trump may also now replace any previously existing synonym for dumb — including but not limited to, stupid, dense, brainless, slow, empty-headed, vacuous, moronic and half-baked.”

Wordsworth also noted that trump has earned the right to replace close relatives of dumb, such as ignorant, illiterate and bonkers.

Wordsworth provided sample sentences incorporating the new meaning of trump.

“Do you work at being trump, or were you born that way?”

How can anyone in their right mind, be that trump?”

“Well, that was a trump move.”

“That has got to be the trumpest damn thing I have ever heard anyone say.”

 “Way to go, trump-ass!”

Hey. Maybe they can change the name of one of my favorite movies to Trump and Trumper.

A National Anthem for the Times

This popped up today on a humor forum that I frequent.

A heavy metal dubbed rendition of “What a Wonderful World” by the late, great Louis Armstrong, this video did, indeed, evoke chuckles as I watched.

Then, it struck me: This is also a sad commentary on the state of our nation — headed by a madman, torn by mass murders, driven to ultimate destruction by the senseless pursuit of wealth.

I submit you a worthy candidate for our new national anthem. Feel free to drop to one knee as you watch.

 

Donald, the Teenage Toddler

Here’s a little ditty to help cheer you through the holidays. You all know the melody.

trumpxmas

We’ve had Andrew and Millard and Chester and Theo
Richard and Gerald and Ronald and Geo
But will you recall
The worst President of them all?

Donald, the Teenage Toddler
Had some very tiny hands
And if you ever saw them
You would scoff at his demands

All of the Teenage Toddlers
Laughed at him and called him names
They never let poor Donald
Spout his many brainless claims

Then one rigged election day
Voters seemed to say
“Donald, though your hair’s a fright
Won’t you march us to the right?”

Now teenage toddlers love him
And they tweet it out with glee
“Donald, the Teenage Toddler,
You have set our hate so free.”

Taming the Second Amendment

Amending the U.S. Constitution is an intentionally difficult process. The probability of repealing the Second Amendment, especially in the current political climate, is on a par with a Trump supporter having a double-digit IQ.

Does that mean that frequent mass shootings are a permanent part of American culture? Maybe not. Let’s look at another possibility.

The year is 2020, a year intent on earning its name through cultural acuity. A hypothetical case of illegal gun possession, call it Joe Derringer vs. The State of New Jersey, winds its way from the lower courts and appeals its way to the U.S. Supreme Court. Joe maintains that his Second Amendment right to “keep and bear arms” has been violated.

Joe went to court after police found 357 handguns and rifles in his Hoboken efficiency apartment, along with 23 cats, which were the original reason the cops came to his door. Joe had no required permit to carry or firearms purchaser identification card for any of the firearms he had amassed.

Joe is a proactive kind of guy. He does have a card certifying that he is a bona fide member of the Manly Men Militia. To Joe’s way of thinking, that membership underwrites his right to own his firearms collection and supersedes all New Jersey laws to the contrary.

militiaman

 

The problem for Joe is that the SCOTUS which gets this case is not the court of Citizens United. The majority of justices now on the bench are no longer the lapdogs of business. They are neither fond of, nor intimidated by, either the gun industry or the National Rifle Association.

These justices have a keen interest in (gasp) justice. They hear the cries for gun control, not as coming from a vocal minority, but from a rapidly growing number of people whose loved ones have been murdered by individuals who should never have been allowed to touch, let alone, own a firearm.

The court decides to take yet another look at the Second Amendment and determine just what the writers were thinking when they penned this nebulously worded paragraph. Could conditions possibly have changed since 1791?

At the time the Bill of Rights was drafted, Colonists-turned-Americans were understandably skittish. Government and oppression were all too often synonymous. The distinction between citizen soldiers and regular army was blurred.

Granting the people the right to keep guns in their households seemed like a good idea. They could defend themselves and their fledgling nation from outsides threats. They could also, should this new democracy take a turn for the worse, defend themselves from their own government.

Things have a way of changing in more than two centuries. So, SCOTUS takes another hard, long, debate-filled look at the Second Amendment, and guess what? Sanity, at long last, prevails.

In a more than 200-page decision, the court determines that a “well-regulated militia” is as extinct as the Dodo, and that the right to keep a loaded musket by the bedside does not equal the right to amass a personal arsenal. The court further rules that gun ownership must be strictly regulated.

Details are left to the states. However, all laws enacted, the court’s decision mandates, must include certain provisions.

An applicant must show a clear need for gun ownership, as well as undergo a criminal background check, psychological assessment and professional training before being granted a permit. Those who become gun owners will have absolute responsibility for ensuring the security of their weapons, subject to periodic, unannounced inspection.

Failing to comply with any of these stipulations must carry severe fines and mandatory jail sentences. Any gun owner whose weapon is used in a criminal act must be subject to the same charges as the person actually committing the crime.

Noting that many current gun owners might be unable or unwilling to meet the new qualification requirements, the court rules that they may retain their gun collections but only on the condition that all firearms are rendered permanently inoperable. Gun owners will thus remain free to display their disabled weapons and compare whose is bigger as often as they like.

The high court decision further stipulates that gun retailers must, if requested, buy  back their customers’ ammunition supplies. The court wryly notes that owners will also the option of turning their bullets into “fashionable jewelry.”

A year after the ruling, mass shootings in America are so rare they actually become news again. Who saw that coming?

They Shall Not Pass

Canada will not passively wait to be invaded by a horde of American refugees seeking to escape a Donald Trump Presidency.

After Google inquiries about moving from the United States to Canada spiked to nearly 1,500 percent above average at midnight on Super Tuesday, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau called for an immediate emergency joint address of Parliament.

The address ran a mere 15 minutes before all senators and members had reached unanimous agreement. Work would begin immediately on a colossal wall protecting Canada from illegal U.S. immigrants.

The wall will go up simultaneously along the nearly 4,000 miles of main Canadian-U.S. border and the more than 1,500 additional miles of border with Alaska. Plans call for the wall to be constructed entirely of solid Canadian ice and tower 700 feet above the rustic Canadian landscape.

southofthewall
The new wall between Canada and the United States will look very Game of Thronesish

 

The wall will replace the half-dozen “Keep Out” signs the United States had strategically placed along the border, signs which had held law-abiding Canadian would-be emigrants at bay for more than two centuries. A Royal Canadian Mounted Police Nights Watch Division will be created to patrol the wall.

Trudeau said that the plan is not impossible, noting that the Great Wall of China stretches for nearly the same number of miles. That building  process took almost 300 years, but Trudeau set a 30-day deadline for completion of the Canada Wall.

“Summer is coming,” the Prime Minister warned.

Trudeau assured Canadians concerned about the cost of the project that Canada will not pay a dime.

“We did not create this problem,” he said. “We will make Trump pay for the wall.”

Republican Factions Battle for President

(Washington, D.C., Wednesday) – Savage in-fighting broke out here this week among Republican members of Congress who are demanding a new President.

The skirmishing followed the address delivered March 3 by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to a joint session of Congress. The speech left GOP leaders oohing and ahing over Netanyahu’s projection of strong leadership as he made his case against a nuclear deal with Iran. Members, however, quickly went to war over just who should step in to replace Barack Obama.

Mainstream Republicans, leaning ever-so-slightly left on the right edge of the political spectrum, led by House Speaker John Boehner, want to give the White House keys to Netanyahu. Those affiliated with the more extreme Tea Party, camping out just to the right edge of the spectrum in an area popularly known as Crazytown, are pushing for Russian President Vladimir Putin.

“The prime minister is the real deal,” said Boehner, who blind-sided the White House by orchestrating the Congressional address. “He is a duly-elected head of state who puts the interest of his people first and gets the job done – unlike our current President, who sees himself as a king and pushes his own agenda by royal decree.”

Republican and Tea Party enthusiast U.S. Senator Ted Cruz, Texas, is leading the “Puttin’ in the Putin” campaign.

“Putin is a decisive leader,” Cruz said, echoing remarks he made after a 2014 poll showed Tea Party members would vote for Putin over Obama. “Putin takes action without worrying about reactions from anyone else. That’s leadership. Obama is a thinker. Thinking, I can tell you from personal experience, has never accomplished anything.”

Outside the Congressional chambers, other Tea Party regulars added their support for Putin.

“Our Founding Fathers labored tirelessly to install a strong Russian leader as President of the United States of America,” observed Michele Bachmann, former Congresswoman from Minnesota and House Tea Party Caucus chair. “Our Constitution includes explicit provisions for that very thing.”

Sarah Palin, former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate took a different slant on Putin as U.S. President.

“This is one Mama Bear who wouldn’t mind cuddling with a big, strong Russian Bear in the Oval Bedroom,” Palin tweeted. “Come to Mama.”

Putin professed extreme disinterest in the prospect of becoming leader of the free world. Although he was flattered, he said, he preferred his current position of absolute power to one in which he might need to master the fine art of compromise.

“That does not mean, if I should someday change my mind,” Putin added, “that I could not simply move into the White House and take it – without fear of repercussions.”

Netanyahu, facing an uphill re-election fight back home, took a wait-and-see position.

“We’ve had a long and fruitful relationship with the United States,” Netanyahu said, “and I would not want to place that relationship in jeopardy by rejecting an opportunity to become the next American President. I would definitely give it respectful consideration.”

President Obama said that he would prefer to finish his second term and let his successor be determined in the 2016 presidential election. If forced to make a choice, he said, he would not go with Putin.

“We’ve had a long and fruitful relationship with Israel,” Obama said, “and I would not want to place that relationship in jeopardy by rejecting Prime Minister Netanyahu as our next President. I would definitely give it respectful consideration.”