U.S. Offers New Identities to Nations Combating ISIL

(Washington, D.C, Monday) – Nations who join the coalition to end ISIL (also known as ISIS) will have the option to simply “disappear” when the fighting ends, in an offer extended here today by President Barack Obama.

“We understand that many Middle Eastern countries are somewhat timid about fully committing to this anti-terrorism effort for fear of retribution from Islamic extremists,” the President said, in making the announcement from the Oval Office. “Well, we have the solution to that problem – new post-war identities.”

Every coalition member will have the option to become another nation, once the final terrorist elements have been defeated. They will be given, among other things, plausible background histories and a wad of American cash to start their new national treasuries, Obama elaborated. Each can choose a new name, a new location – even a new appearance.

“Square, round, triangular – they can be any shape they would like to be,” Obama said. “On the outside chance that even the tiniest remnant of the enemy survives our cooperative onslaught, you will never be found.

“We have previously redrawn national boundaries in this part of the world. It’s not a big deal.”

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