(Washington, D.C., Tuesday) – A complete purging of the American political system was announced here today in a thundering message from The Lord God Almighty, Ruler of Heaven and Earth.
The cleansing will take place on Jan. 2, 2015, God’s 85-decibel message warned from the skies across the nation. The timing is, not coincidentally, keyed to the scheduled Jan. 3 start of the 114th Congress, which God proclaimed in His Message to be “an Abomination onto Myself which shalt not stand.”
“Too long have I countenanced the evil deeds of those to profess to act in My Name, yet whose actions contain not the smallest mustard seeds of Goodness,” God spake. “Tremble, all ye who lie with Money to usurp the leadership of Humanity, only to oppress My Children most vilely, for your Day of Reckoning is upon you.”
The corker God said, for His Decision to take action came when Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt, newly elected Colorado State Senator and long-time right-wing hatemonger through his “Pray in Jesus’ Name Project,” stated he believes that President Barack Obama is possessed by a demon.
God noted that never, in His Entire Infinite and Eternal Existence, has He permitted employment of demonic possession under any circumstances. He added that Klingenschmitt went way out of bounds when he began invoking the Name of God’s Only Son in his rants.
“It vexeth me sorely that this lower-than-whale-manure mortal should cast doubt upon my Good and Faithful Servant, whom I hath placed in the Oval Office to do Good Works;” God declared. “Dr. Chaps hath pusheth me into Full Smite Mode.”
God, whose best known Act of Divine Retribution was The Great Flood of 3000 B.C., did not state precisely how he plans to rid the nation of its political nogoodniks on Jan. 2, leaving the door open to rampant speculation among cable news pundits. The most popular theory is that those in the Holy Crosshairs will experience an “Anti-Rapture” in which their souls will be transported directly to Hell and their bodies will disappear from the face of the earth.
God also did not specify whether those being targeted have the option to repent before what He has nicknamed “Operation Big Flush” commences. The consensus is that the long ticking redemption timer finally ran out with the Nov. 4 midterm election results.