(Fairfax, Virginia, Thursday) – Normal citizens will finally be able to distinguish bad guys from good guys with guns, thanks to a deal brokered here today by the National Rifle Association.
“The next time you meet a shopper carrying a semi-automatic firearm in the aisles of your local supermarket, just look for the white hat,” said Wayne LaPierre, NRA executive vice president, who served as chief facilitator in the accord. “If he’s wearing one, he’s a good guy.”
Drawing from the symbolism of the Old West, the agreement simplifies things immensely for fearful average Americans uncertain about the intentions of the gunslingers they are encountering more frequently every day. Anyone toting a gun who is not wearing the tell-tale white hat is now suspect and a fair target for every properly white-hatted gunman exercising his right to stand his ground. Unarmed citizens now need only to stay out of the crossfire.
The NRA brought the two arms-bearing factions together for months of intensive, oftentimes dangerously heated discussions which focused on the need for a universal identification scheme. Bolstered by images of Roy Rogers, Gene Autry and the Lone Ranger, LaPierre eventually got consensus from both good and bad guy delegates that white hats are the way to go.
Black hats for bad guys were determined to be optional. Delegates were unable to reach agreement on other points of the code, including whether sheepskin chaps are acceptable accessories and just how to deal with the glaring faux pas of wearing white after Labor Day.
“It really wasn’t all that difficult to get these two sides to come to an understanding,” LaPierre added. “After all, both sides share a love of firearms and the Second Amendment. Their differences are marginal and purely psychosomatic.”