The Bad War

This is a special, unedited “guest blog” written and typed by my 7-year-old grandson, Matthew. His devotion to Doctor Who exceeds my own and has outlasted his previous fixation with Thomas the Tank Engine.


matthewandtardis5Chapter 1
Once upon a time there was a fire. They almost died but then someone came for them. He said “SUPERBOY WHAT EVER MY NAME IS TO THE DAY!” He said he doesn’t remember what he usually calls himself. The Mysterious Hero saved the people from that fire. The Mysterious Hero can fly, Run 100 miles per hour, and can even have laser vision! Then… what we all been waiting for. The Doctor & Clara lands the TARDIS (Time Relative Dimensional In Space) at London 2020 Time is 3:30 Clara was so amazed she couldn’t say a thing. “Impressing.” Says The Doctor. “What time is this?” asks Clara. “London 2020.” Says The Doctor.

Chapter 2
The Doctor sees a DALEK chasing a CYBERMEN. The Doctor whispers to himself “That can’t be good… That cant be good at all.” “What?” Clara asks The Doctor. “There’s going to be incoming trouble later.” Says The Doctor. The Mysterious Hero sees The Doctor “Hello. What brings you here? And why are you standing by a blue box??!” asks The Mysterious Hero. “Well. This isn’t just a plain old blue box. This is a time machine. I call it The TARDIS. T A R D I S stands for Time Relative Dimensional In Space.” Says The Doctor. “No Way! Your so silly it can’t be a time machine. Its not possible to have a box that is bigger in the inside.” Says The Mysterious Hero. “Your Wrong. It is possible. Take a look.” Says The Doctor. The Mysterious Hero opens the door & then he could not believe his eyes. “B-B-But.. Hhow?!” says The Mysterious Hero.

Chapter 3
Magic.” Says Clara. “Magic.” Says The Doctor. “Oh and one thing. What’s your name??” asks The Mysterious Hero. “My name… is The Doctor.” “Doctor what?” asks Mysterious Hero “Just The Doctor” Says The Doctor “But Doctor who?” asks The Mysterious Hero “I told you The Doctor” says The Doctor.

Chapter 4
Mysterious had to stop asking and had to see that if he is actually a timelord. So he made tests “Hmm.. Speak a different language.” Says The Mysterious Hero “őíň ıįåç Ţ ŹŲćă ŢŦ” says The Doctor. “Now. Prove me that it’s a time machine. Take me to the same place just in the date that is 100,20,33” says The Mysterious Hero. “Ooooh I cant do that. Earth doesn’t live forever. Neither will you.” Says The Doctor. “What about.. 1995 but same place.” “Sorry I cant. If I do then I will see myself from the past. I have different faces.” Says The Doctor. “Fine.” Says The Mysterious Hero “Doctor. Your forgetting about me again.” Says Clara in a stressed way. “Yeah sorry about that Clara. Everyone stay here, its safe nothing can get in. There’s some enemies I need find.”

Chapter 5
Said The Doctor. The Doctor leaves The TARDIS and locks the door. “Lets see where are you little monsters.” Says The Doctor when The Doctor gets far away from something comes to come steal it and destroy it. “THE TARDIS IS DETECTED! YOU. TELL THE BOSS THAT WE DETECTED THE TARDIS!!!” Says DALEK “YES SIR.” Says CYBERMEN (That got Dementedetated. (Pretending it’s the daleks upgrade) ).

WE WILL WIN! WE WILL WIN THIS TIME DOCTOR! THIS TIME!! THIS TIME!!!!! THIS TIIIIIMMMME!!!!!!!!” Says DALEK (5 Minutes Later In The TARDIS) “AGHH!! WHY IS THE TARDIS MOVING SO MUCH!? DOES IT ALWAYS DO THIS!!!??” Asks The Mysterious Hero. “NO IT DOESN’T AGH!!” says Clara.

Chapter 6
The Doctor heads back to The TARDIS. He sees that The TARDIS is gone. “Oh no you don’t.” says The Doctor as he pulls out his sonic screwdriver and turns it to Land Here mode. (Meanwhile in The TARDIS) “Well that’s good we landed and stopped shaking” said Mysterious Hero & Clara. The Doctor unlocks the doors and opens doors then he asks “Are you two alright?” “Yeah were fine.” Says Clara and again The Doctor save the day.

The End

Eulogy for a Companion

Friends, we gather here today to celebrate the lives of Clara Oswald, “The Impossible Girl,” whose newly freed soul has transcended all space and time to take its rightful place in the Universal Mind.

clara_sepiaClara, 28, died bravely Nov, 21, 2015, sacrificing herself for a friend, on an obscure street in London. The apparent cause of death was magic smoke inhalation after a Raven of Death had plunged into her body.

Clara long served as the Doctor’s faithful companion. She joined him in his 11th generation. She nurtured and guided him through his regeneration struggles as he became the 12th Doctor.

Clara was unique among the companions the Doctor has adopted during his more than 2000 years of existence. He encountered her multiple times across his generational timelines and witnessed the previous deaths of at least two of her incarnations, Oswin and Clara Oswin Oswald.

The Doctor thereafter searched across time for other versions of Clara, and found the 21st century incarnation who became his companion. He later discovered that Clara had been “echoed” across his entire timeline — ever since another version of Clara had sacrificed herself on the Doctor’s behalf. Unknown to the Doctor, Clara had come to his aid, even saved his life, numerous times.

I am aware that some of you did not like Clara or fully accept her as a proper companion for the Doctor. She was bossy and frequently challenged the Doctor’s authority. She was also fearless, resourceful and  fiercely loyal.

To those who wished her gone, I say, OK; you finally have what you wanted. Happy? Know that she would have given her life for you. Feel appropriately guilty.

Clara was born Nov. 23, 1986, to Ellie and Dave Oswald in Blackpool, Lancashire County, England. In her lifetimes, she worked as a starship crew member, Dalek puppet, barmaid, governess, nanny and school teacher.

Clara was preceded in death by her mother; her sometimes boyfriend, Danny Pink; and the first through 11th Doctors. Survivors include a special friend, Basil; and millions of Clara Oswald duplicates scattered throughout the known and unknown Universe.

While this version of Clara may have gone on to her reward, we can take comfort in knowing that most of her adventures with the Doctors have been recorded and preserved. In that sense, Clara will always be with us.

In lieu of flowers, memorials to the Commission Looking at Repeating Alternates (CLARA) have been suggested.

Doctor Who Blasts into Past

SPOILER ALERT!

Fans were treated to a taste of classic Doctor Who in “The Zygon Invasion” Oct. 31.

The episode mixed flashbacks of three previous Doctors, a worldwide alien threat, UNIT and even a Lethbridge-Stewart into the plot. If they had thrown in a few Daleks, Cybermen and a guest appearance by K-9, they would have had a nice reunion going.

zygoninvasion

Taken in that light, the episode was entertaining if somewhat pedestrian. The idea of distributing millions of shape-shifting Zygon duplicates among the Earth’s human population seemed a bit far-fetched, although I am now regarding my neighbors with greater suspicion. If I see any blackened, smoking and sparking piles excelsior near my home, I’m going to dial 9-1-1.

Although the episode was a little less humorous than its current series predecessors, it was not without its chuckle-worthy moments.

The Doctor identified himself early as “Doctor Disco” and later as “Doctor Funkenstein.” At last, a name for the Doctor, but which is it?

I laughed at an exchange between the Doctor and Osgood. The Doctor had commented on question marks Osgood had added to her collar in tribute to her hero.

“You used to wear question marks,” Osgood says.

“Oh, I know, yes, I did,” the Doctor replies.

“They were nice. Why don’t you wear them anymore?”

“Oh, I do. I’ve got question mark underpants.”

“Makes one wonder what the question is.”

When the Doctor, arrives at the UNIT drone command center via the special jet airliner placed at his disposal as world commander-in-chief, he makes a grand entrance.

“At ease! I’m the President of the World,” he announces. “I’m here to rescue people and generally establish happiness all over the place.”

While interrogating a captured Zygon, the Doctor makes it clear that one nation is off-limits in the master Zygon conquest plan.

“Well, you can’t have the United Kingdom,” he tells him. “There’s already people living there. They’ll think you’re going to pinch their benefits.”

nobritishdogs
Kate gets a royal welcome when she arrives in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico,

The rebellious faction of the Zygons have adopted the motto:” Truth or Consequences.” After Clara makes the dubious connection to a New Mexico town by the same name, Kate Lethbridge-Stewart is dispatched to investigate. Upon her arrival, she finds that the community has not embraced the influx of British in the form of Zygon duplicates. In fact. all of the human residents have been destroyed, and Kate may suffer the same fate.

The recurring hybrid theme appears again in this episode with Osgood, who has permanently become half-Zygon, half-human. The theme had surfaced in “The Witch’s Familiar” when Davros referenced a prophesy of a Time Lord-Dalek hybrid. It reappeared in “The Girl Who Died,” when Ashildr is resurrected with alien technology and becomes a human-Mire hybrid.

If “Under the Lake” or “Before the Flood” contained specific hybrid references, I missed them. I suppose the “ghosts” could be considered human-Arcateenian hybrids, just to keep the string going.

The multiple references have led to speculation as to who will be the real hybrid when the season completes its run. I think the smart money is on Clara.

Looks like we’ve got another human-Zygon hybrid in Clara’s evil twin, Bonnie. Somehow, I don’t think Bonnie will survive the second half of this episode pair.

All Hail the Doctor: Large and in Charge!

SPOILER ALERT!
This episode review is brought to you by Vector Petroleum “Fueling our Futures”

“Same old, same old. Just the Doctor and Clara Oswald in the TARDIS!”

Not quite, Doctor.

The Doctor and Clara are, indeed, heading for trouble in the TARDIS. It was anything but “same old, same old” when “Under the Lake,” the third offering of the new season, aired Oct. 4.

Doctor Who seems have achieved personality equilibrium. Fans, rejoice!

Writer Toby Whithouse gave Peter Capaldi’s Doctor the biggest share of the personality pie, this time around. Jenna Coleman’s Clara Oswald got a smaller portion. A small slice was even awarded to the TARDIS, whose sentience had not manifested itself of late.

The available screen time and lines were in much greater abundance this episode, with the absence of the masterful Missy. The Time Lady formerly known as the Master is presumably still vacationing with her Dalek friends at that top vacation destination, Skaro. Could she possibly be working with Davros to create the foretold hybrid? Hmm. That would be a very clever idea.

All right. Back to “Under the Lake.”

The TARDIS delivers the Doctor and Clara to an oil company base sitting on the bottom of an artificial lake on top of a flooded village in the year 2119. The Doctor doesn’t know why they have been brought to this site. He does know that the TARDIS has taken them to the base against its better judgment. Clara, with her hair casually tied back and looking very girlishly companionlike, is challenging the Doctor to find something exciting for them to do.

“I want another adventure, Clara tells him. “Come on. You feel the same. You’re itching to save a planet. I know it.”

The look that passes across the Doctor’s face indicates that she is right. It doesn’t take too long before they discover the adventure has already begun.

meettheghosts
“Hello, sailors!”

Things have not been going well for the base and its crew. They’ve just brought a mysterious alien spaceship discovered on the lake bottom aboard the base. The base commander has just been barbecued by one of the ship’s engines. The ship seems to have come with a ghost dressed as an undertaker, complete with a black suit and mourning-veiled top hat. The crew calls the ghostly figure “Mole Guy.”

The Doctor identifies Mole Guy as an alien from Tivoli, That doesn’t explain the death of the commander, he adds, because the species is non-violent cowardly by nature.

“They wouldn’t say ‘boo’ to a goose,” the Doctor elaborates. “More likely to give the goose their car keys and bank details.”

Immediately after his death, the base commander reappears as the Mole Guy’s new ghostly partner. The crew has taken refuge in the Faraday Cage, a lead-lined compartment designed a shelter from a possible radiation leak. The room seems to have the only walls through which the ghosts cannot pass.

“So, we are fighting an unknown homicidal force that has taken the form of your former commanding officer and a cowardly alien, underwater, in a nuclear reactor,” the Doctor summarizes. “Anything else I should know? Somebody have a peanut allergy or something”?

Clara nervously giggles and gives the crew an apologetic look, as if to say “Hey, I’m only the companion. I have no control over this guy.”

Apparently, allergies will not be added to the base problems. The pair of ghosts have begun turning the ship’s systems against the survivors. Soon, another crewman is “ghosted.”

The key to solving the mystery is a series of alien symbols etched on one of the alien ship’s bulkheads. The symbols appear to embed themselves in the human brain when read. They’re translated by the hearing-impaired, lip-reading acting base commander into four cryptic phrases being silently and continuously mouthed by all three ghosts.

Once he has been told who’s in charge so he knows “who to ignore,” the Doctor declares he can bypass the interpreter and “speak” directly with the deaf officer. He quickly discovers that his command of sign language has been deleted and replaced with semaphore.

“Someone get me a selection of flags,” he demands.

The Doctor initially denies that the apparitions are ghosts. After he deductively comes that conclusion on his own, he announces “they’re ghosts,” as if he is the first to make that discovery. Clara points out that he had declared that ghosts do not exist.

“Yes, well-well-well, uh, there was no such thing as socks or smartphones and badgers, until they suddenly were,” the Doctor counters.

The Doctor becomes quite excited upon contemplating the possibilities of questioning real ghosts.

“Calm, Doctor, calm,” tells himself. “You were like this when you met Shirley Bassey.”

The Doctor eventually deciphers the alien symbols, then takes a professorial stance and runs the crewmen through the process. In true classroom lecture fashion, he wants his “students” to do some of the reasoning.

“Surely just being around me makes you clever by osmosis,” he says, after giving them opportunity to come up with the answer to the last phrase.

The Doctor’s apparent lack of sensitivity to the death of the base commander leads to a feature I don’t recall ever seeing — “the cards.” It seems as if the Doctor, for at least several generations, has been writing cue cards to guide him through situations he could expect to re-encounter. Clara suggests that he use them and selects the one that seems most appropriate.

She makes a good choice, but the Doctor needs to polish his delivery style a bit. He reads the card verbatim.

“I’m very sorry for your loss. I’ll do all I can to solve the death of your friend/family member/pet.”

Waiting in the wings for a matching situation is The Swiss Army Knife of cards: “No-one is going to be eaten/vapourised/exterminated/upgraded/possessed/mortally wounded/turned to jelly. We’ll all get out of this unharmed.”

Also on tap, the slightly less multi-purpose: “It was my fault. I should have known you didn’t live in Aberdeen.”

The show may have inadvertently given away its writing secret. Take a pack of cards, shuffle and voila! A new episode is born.

Again, going back to the plot, the crew discovers that a rescue sub has been ordered by the ghosts, a request sent in Morse Code (nothing suspicious about that). A crew member asks why the ghosts would do that.

“I don’t know,” the Doctor responds, “but I’m pretty certain that it’s not so they can all form a boy band.”

Along with the Doctor’s and Clara’s personality adjustments, it was great to see the TARDIS again play a role beyond time and relative dimension in space transportation. Still uneasy about its location, the TARDIS sounds the cloister bell alarm.

The Doctor is forced to apply the “handbrake” to keep their skittish ride from leaving on its own. The TARDIS also refuses to go near the ghosts, an issue that plays a part in cliffhanger ending.

Other high points of “Under the Lake” include the Doctor initiating an awkward conversation with Clara about their roles and taking risks, suggesting that she might do better to find another relationship. (Oh, God; no! Not another Danny Pink!). He notes that humans are “bananas about relationships. You’re always writing songs about them, or going to war or getting tattooed.”

We also get the answer to the question: Why did the Doctor turn the TARDIS radio into a clockwork squirrel?

Answer: “Whatever song I heard, first thing in the morning, I was stuck. Two weeks of Mysterious Girl by Peter Andre. I was begging for the brush of death’s merciful hand.”

As the episode drew to its exciting finish, the Doctor was about to employ a bit of time travel trickery to resolve what looks like certain death for Clara and the base crew.

“You’re gonna go back in time?” a crew member asks. “How do you do that?”

“Extremely well,” the Doctor responds.

The rescue plan leads to Clara’s best line of the episode.

“Guys, look, this is how we roll. He’s gonna go away, come back; and we’ll have to listen to how he did it.”

Doctor Who Ups Comedy Quotient

SPOILER ALERT!

If the writing in The Witch’s Familiar is any indication, the new Doctor Who series is going to be seriously hilarious.

The second episode of the ninth series, which aired Sept. 26, made a sharp turn from last season. Companion Clara Oswald (Jenna Coleman) slipped into the background, while the Doctor (Peter Capaldi) and Missy (Michelle Gomez), Time Lady version of the Master, moved up front.

missywitchsfamiliar
Missy (Michelle Gomez) and the Exterminators

This may reflect the fact that Coleman will be moving on after this season, or that writer Steven Moffat recognizes that Clara is not exactly the most well-loved companion in the history of the show. Clara did not get a lot of lines in this episode, but members of the We Hate Clara Fan Club got much cause to cheer at the indignities Clara suffered this round.

In the opening, Clara is dangling from a rope tied to her ankles. Missy is casually sharpening a stick because she doesn’t know how long they will be stuck outside the Skaro city limits, and they might need to do some hunting. Clara is hanging in case the hunting doesn’t go well.

Missy frees Clara by unceremoniously dropping her on her head. Missy knocks Clara into a hole as a means of testing its depth. Missy handcuffs Clara to a Dalek surveillance camera as “bait.”

Finally, Missy gets Clara into a Dalek shell. Clara finds herself speaking through a translator allowing her say little more than “I am a Dalek” and “Exterminate!” Neither holds much promise for conveying that she is inside.

This episode is so heavily populated by one-liners that I was certain I missed some while laughing out loud. Funny how rewatching the episode with closed-captioning turned on and a heavy index finger on the remote “pause” button can improve my hearing.

Here are some of the other lines I captured.

MISSY
(to upside-down Clara) Shh, now. Mummy’s talking.

(telling a tale of the Doctor) Doesn’t matter which face he was wearing. They’re all the Doctor to me. So, let’s give it to the eyebrows.

Not seeing you as sandwiches, now.

I love killing clever clogs. They make the best faces.

(as she’s skipping toward Skaro) Make your own stick!

(after skillfully retaking the deadly stick from Clara) In the future, if you’re gonna take my stick, do me the courtesy of actually killing me. Teamwork is all about respect.

(reiterating that she and Clara are a team, as they head into the Skaro sewers) Every miner needs a canary.

(preparing to attack a Dalek guard with a brooch pin) Dark star alloy. Goes through armor plating like a knife through people.

(when asked by Clara what she was doing) Murdering a Dalek. I’m a Time Lady. It’s our golf.

(to the Dalek, into which she had just poked several holes, inexplicably speaking in a questionably rendered southern US accent) You just got yourself a puncture in a bad neighborhood. Meet the locals, all blind and squelchy and out of their tiny minds. They can still feel! Nobody hates like a Dalek! Here they come! I think they want to steal your motor!

(to Clara, instructing her on how to move like a Dalek) To control the unit, you just have to think. Novel idea for you, but let’s try it.

(after being asked by a Dalek if she is a Time Lord) Time Lady, thank you. Some of us can afford the upgrade. Is it still the same old Supreme Dalek these days? I fought him once on the slopes of the Never Vault. Tell him the bitch is back.

(in response to being declared an enemy by her “secret favorite” Dalek) Anyone who is not a Dalek is an enemy of the Daleks, so that was an easy guess.

(in bringing the shell containing Clara to the Daleks) I brought you complete control of the Doctor, gift-wrapped — better, canned.

(as the Doctor was about announce how he had again bested Davros) Ooh. I know that face.

(just before poking Davros in his Dalek cyclops eye) It’s been an absolute pleasure to finally meet you.

(as she’s urging the Doctor to shoot the Dalek she claims killed Clara) This one’s a mad one, isn’t it? It’s almost like it’s proud.

(after Clara opens the Dalek shell to reveal her presence) Oh, look at that. Now, that’s a surprise.

(her final line of the episode, as she is surrounded by Daleks) You know what? I’ve just had a very clever idea.

Oh, yes, Missy will be back!

THE DOCTOR
(as he makes his go-cart entrance in Davros’ chair) Admit it. You’ve all had this exact nightmare. So…Anyone for dodge ’ems?

Course, the real question is: where did he get a cup of tea? Answer — I’m the Doctor. Just accept it.

Proposition — Davros is an insane, paranoid genius who has survived among several billion trigger-happy mini-tanks for centuries. Conclusion — I’m definitely having his chair.

I’ve been at the heart of your empire for 42 minutes. And I own it, and I haven’t even got out of my chair.

If Clara Oswald is really dead, then you’d better be very, very careful how you tell me.

Davros! You’re up! Sorry, this seat’s taken.

(after Davros claims to be close to death) You keep saying that. You keep not dying. Can you give it some welly? Come on.

Well, they don’t have much respect for you, do they? Your kids. Have you seen the state of this place? I mean, this is exactly where you dump a smelly old uncle/family pet/genius scientist who couldn’t even invent legs.

(after Davros says he has something he has been longing to tell him) Yeah, well, if you’re gonna put your hand on my knee, it isn’t gonna go well.

(explaining to the Supreme Dalek why Skaro seemed to be experiencing an earthquake) First word, “moron”; second word, “sewers.”

Dalek Supreme, your sewers are revolting.

(after telling Clara he is about to reassemble the TARDIS without his signature sonic screwdriver) Oh, yeah. I’m over screwdrivers. They spoil the line of your jacket. These days, I’m all about wearable technology.

Beyond the quotable quotes aspect of the episode, the circular exchange between Dalek Clara and the Doctor: I am a Dalek/I know you’re a Dalek/I am a Dalek/I know you’re a Dalek reminded me of the old Abbott and Costello routine, “Who’s on first?”

I liked the final scene in which the Doctor completes the time-loop and mercifully saves child Davros. For a guy who refuses to use weapons, the Doctor demonstrated some incredibly precise shooting when he took out the hand-eye minefield with the Dalek gun.